The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Page 3

  A more credible theory.

  Wisdom Teeth

  Fallacy: Emerging in adulthood, these teeth are thought to have served as extra grinding surfaces for early man, who, before the advent of proper dental care, would most likely have lost many of his teeth by his mid-twenties.7

  Fact: It is common knowledge that our Pirate ancestors ate a diet much rougher and more manly than our diets today. Also, they tended to carry their knives set deep in the back of their mouths.8 It is logical, then, that they’d need extra teeth.

  Male Nipples

  Fallacy: Scientists believe that all humans had breasts—or “dugs”— back in the Stone Age.

  Fact: Male nipples were used by Pirates as portable weather stations. With their nipples they were able to determine the direction of the trade winds and, depending on stiffness, how cold it was outside.

  “Looks like we’re gonna get a nor’easter.”

  Goose Bumps

  Fallacy: Evolutionary propaganda would have you believe that goose bumps are an atavistic, now useless response to distress—be it emotional or weather-related—that was once meant to raise the hair on our early forefathers, causing them to appear larger and scarier.

  Fact: Goose bumps are a cleverly disguised feature that allowed for increased buoyancy once a Pirate hit cold water. By simply appearing, they raised the surface area, thus increasing buoyancy. This made Pirates float better—something that was very useful to our ancestors, as they were sometimes without boats. Naturally, goose bumps seem to be a vestigial reflex, but it’s really society that has changed.

  Appendix

  Fallacy: This is a remnant of an internal pouch used to ferment the hard-to-digest plant diets of our ancestors.

  Fact: The appendix was a clever internal pouch utilized for hiding a Pirate’s gold. It is also the inspiration for the saying “cough it up,” which Pirates would demand of defeated Pirates once they’d boarded their ships.

  Coilbone

  Fallacy: Evolutionists claim that the tailbone, or coccyx, which has no documented use, is an unusual remnant of a larger bone growth that might once have formed an ancestral tail, homologous to the functional tails of other primates.

  Fact: Humans with tails … are scientists high? Couldn’t the coccyx have served other purposes? I have carefully researched this issue, and have compared the coccyx to other unusual bone growths in animals—and the literature has led me to a single, overriding conclusion. Lots of animals have horns on their heads, and these aren’t thought to be the remnants of larger bone growth, probably because, unlike the coccyx, horns serve a purpose today. But what if the original purpose of the coccyx has simply been rendered useless by today’s culture? If you examine the coccyx closely you will see that this bony growth is very similar, when you think about it, to a horn, which is the structure used by many animals for fighting. I submit, then, that the coccyx is not a vestige of an ancestral tail but rather an effective, albeit strangely placed, defense and fighting mechanism.

  I imagine that two opponents, fighting over women or choice cave real estate, would have run backward at each other—their asses outstretched, much the way elk fight with their horns. I have termed this ass-fighting. This makes sense, if you think about it, as it would leave their hands free to carry whatever they needed—most likely food or rocks.

  As further evidence that the coccyx is a fighting feature, and that some knowledge of its use has survived culturally through the years, consider how quickly someone will run away from you if you run at them backward, ass first. I suggest that those who doubt this hypothesis put it to the test, and attempt to ram their ass into everyone they see for the next few days.9I feel confident that most, if not all, of these targets will at the very least be afraid. I see no other explanation for why this would occur, other than that we know, subconsciously, that the coccyx is a weapon, not a vestigial tail.

  One Other Vestigial Feature

  Fallacy: The human genome provides evidence that we humans were not created ex nihilo,10 but instead had to evolve systematically, just like all the other animals. As evidence, scientists point to lots of nonfunctional DNA, including many inactive “pseudo genes” that were functional in some of our ancestors but aren’t today. One example that is often cited is the case of vitamin C synthesis. While all primates, including humans, carry the gene responsible for synthesizing vitamin C, that gene is inactive in all members of the primate family but one: man. Scientists point to this as evidence of our shared lineage, although I can’t figure out why.

  Fact: Pirates, our ancestors, lived in the tropics and ate a lot of fruit.

  Evolution Gets Sexy

  Finally, I will address “sexual selection,” which I promised some time earlier. The basic concept behind sexual selection is that one gender of the species, usually the female, actively chooses members of the opposite sex to copulate with,11 based on certain criteria, thus placing a selective pressure on the species as a whole. Sexual selection explains the bright foliage of male birds, the impressive ritualistic duels among male rams, deer, elk, and other ungulates,12 and the high percentage of Hummers being driven by short, ugly men. In short, sexual selection depends on the success of certain individuals over others of the same sex, while Natural Selection is non–gender specific. In the interest of modernity, I move that Congress pass a bill outlawing this backward and sexist practice.

  The Spaghedeity

  While I have essentially decimated the theory of Evolution throughout these pages, it is important to state that a great deal of credible Evolutionary evidence does exist. No one can dispute the fossil record, which shows a clear and gradual transformation of species over time (albeit with frustrating gaps—and I ask you, Who could have put them there?). And there do indeed appear to be selective forces at work in the world, for instance when drunks walk out onto the road and are hit by cars.13

  We are not saying that Evolution can’t exist, only that it is guided by His Noodly Appendage. And our Spaghedeity is extremely modest. For some reason, He went through a great deal of trouble to make us believe that Evolution is true—masking the prominent role of Pirates in our origins, making monkeys seem more important than they really are, generally keeping behind the scenes and out of the spotlight.

  In spite of His low profile, though, let no one doubt that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not only a groundbreaking religion, but is also supported by hard science, making it probably the most unquestionably true theory ever put forth in the history of mankind. To make my point, I will turn to the modern-day problem of global warming.

  Pirates, as you know, are His Chosen People. Yet their numbers have been shrinking ever since the 1800s. Consequently, we find that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct result of the shrinking number of Pirates. To illustrate this fact, I have included the following well-known graph from a recent study:

  As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between Pirates and global temperature. But of course not all correlations are causal. For example, take a look at this seeming correlation regarding ID proponents:

  It would appear that the people behind ID have a lower intelligence quotient than the general population—and a significantly lower IQ than scientists, who overwhelmingly reject the idea of Intelligent Design.14

  I, for one, tend to believe this to be merely a strange coincidence, and that ID believers are not necessarily as retarded as the data would suggest. It is entirely likely that the Flying Spaghetti Monster put this coincidence in place in order to confuse us further as to our true origins. We may never know.

  FSM vs. Other Religions

  A conversation about Intelligent Design proponents, no matter how brief and specious, inevitably leads us to a discussion about God and religion. It is important to state up front that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a peaceful religion—probably the most peaceful of them all. But can we prove that? In order to ex
plore our proposition, let us look at religion and violence throughout history, particularly with regard to war and death.

  Christianity appears to be the Rambo of religions, with the Crusades, the Inquisition, various bloody rebellions, the Conquistadors … the list seems nearly endless. Suffice it to say that when Jesus Christ stated, in his bewitching and Yoda-like manner, “But those enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me,”15 people took him pretty literally. The Jews16 and the Muslims haven’t done so well for themselves either, and are still duking it out. We even find Buddhists fighting in China. So, glossing over the evidence, we find that religion can be quite scary and violent. On the other hand, there’s absolutely no evidence of any deaths from FSMism, which seems to imply that it has the lowest death rate. And if that is true, then this is strong evidence that FSMism is the most peaceful religion.

  Now take a look at how much criticism of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and the other religions there is. People can’t seem to decide on the simple things, like which holy book to follow, let alone whether any of it is true. There are arguments between friends and countries, tens of thousands of books on the various religions, all poking holes, jibbering about which god to worship (Hinduism), jabbering about which ancient prophet’s cousin to support (Islam). It’s a mess. And yet we find that exactly, count them, zero books have been written to poke holes in the theory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. There isn’t even any academic criticism, only academic support—and academics love to argue about everything. All this we take as evidence that FSMism is probably true.

  Finally, we find that the religions tend to put a lot of stock in “dogma,” which is a way of saying they are correct beyond all doubt. Even the most devout of the Pastafarians will scratch their heads and nervously readjust their eye patches at this idea. Dogma implies an absolute belief in something, and in order for people to have an absolute belief in anything, they’d basically have to be fucking omniscient.17 We have a different approach: FSM believers reject dogma. Which is not to say that we don’t believe we’re right. Obviously, we do. We simply reserve the right to change our beliefs based on new evidence or greater understanding of old evidence. Our rejection of dogma is so strong that we leave open the possibility that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster at all. So, in a sense, you could say that we’re extremely open-minded—we could change our minds someday. All we ask is proof of His nonexistence.

  The fossil record is loaded with evidence of His existence. You just have to know where to look.

  1. “Fitness” regards how well individuals “fit” in their environment.

  2. Most scientists are perverted and use Latinate terms to hide this fact. Translated into English, staphylococci means “Power Penis.”

  3. No relation to Sir Elton John.

  4. Meaning “many tiny penises.”

  5. See various stories by Jack London.

  6. I find it suspicious that biology textbooks rarely mention this fact.

  7. Wisdom teeth appear to still serve a useful function in parts of the Deep South.

  8. See Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island.

  9. Women are not advised to try this in the company of perverted men.

  10. Nihilos were an early Roman snack food, an early predecessor to Doritos. Essentially, this term translates to “from Doritos.”

  11. Fuck.

  12. Rams, deer, elk, etc.

  13. Also, George W. Bush bears a striking resemblance to a chimpanzee.

  14. Henderson, 2005.

  15. Luke 19:27.

  16. Who managed to knock off Jesus, if you believe some people.

  17. Which would be cool, but would probably also make you a little uncomfortable around other people.

  An Alternate Vision

  A Note from

  Peter J. Snodgrass, Ph.D., and

  the Imam Perez Jaffari

  RE: UD in a Not-So-Intelligent

  World

  When confronted with the grim realities of war, famine, pestilence, diarrhea, and Celine Dion, it is not entirely surprising that one might be led to consider that our Creator, while all-powerful, might not have proven Himself to be completely infallible.

  While there can be no doubt that the source of creation was indeed the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), and that He did leave mysterious and ambiguous clues to throw us off track,1 we submit that the FSM was careless, cruel, drunk, or even high when he first laid down the template for life as we know it. How else to explain the extinction of 99.9 percent of all plant and animal species ever to exist on earth? How else to explain the release of not one, but two Deuce Bigalow films?

  Without question, we are members of a small and limited minority of scientists and religious leaders who deign to question the Creator’s wisdom in allowing for life-threatening volcanoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, twisters, and plastic surgery gone bad, but as the evidence accumulates, we can only posit one undeniable theory:

  The FSM, our Creator, isn’t very bright.

  Undoubtedly, this statement represents a subtle paradigm shift, especially when juxtaposed against the common perception of a benevolent, all-knowing Creator, but innumerable examples of questionable judgment do exist. Something is certainly rotten in Denmark when Ben Affleck is allowed to bed both J.Lo and that hottie from Alias, while Matt Damon is forced to date his own assistant. We cry foul!

  So we hereby state our belief that the universe is a result of “UNINTELLIGENT DESIGN” (UD).

  Casting social science aside, we can turn to the physical sciences to support our claims.2 Why doesn’t the Benevolent and Noodly Master get to work and start eradicating mass poverty, cancer, global warming, and nuclear proliferation? Is He too busy trying to rekindle the low-carb diet craze?

  While this treatise might not appear to meet the normal requirements of an academic paper, let it be said that such was not even our intention. This is a work composed by a scientist and a religious leader. If science and religion are to live side by side in mutual non-judgment, there needs to be a new model for dialogue, one that takes into account the interests of both sides. Religious people don’t really “do” numbers. Scientists can’t get dates and don’t have a clue what real people think. By collecting and presenting a different kind of data, we aim to appeal to “Bible thumpers” and “brainiacs” alike. Just getting those epithets out on the table can make a difference.

  In fact, we feel better already. Too many resources are being wasted in trying to prove intelligence in all we see around us. Wouldn’t it be better just to throw in the towel, call a spade a spade, and admit that our Creator is a dumbass?

  Aboriginal children killed the dodo.

  Examples of Unintelligent Design

  THE DODO. Portuguese sailors, who marveled at this bird’s trusting and docile nature, gave it the name dodo, meaning “simpleton.” Unfortunately, the dodo was unable to compete in a rapidly changing environment,3 and the bird soon went the way of the Portuguese sailor.

  THE PASSENGER PIGEON. Once the most populous bird in North America, the passenger pigeon’s demise can be traced back to the early 1900s and McDonald’s highly popular but short-lived “McPidgin Sandwich.”

  THE IRISH ELK. Neither exclusively Irish nor an elk (it was really a large deer), the male of this species attracted mates based on the size of its antlers: the larger the antlers, the more attractive the male. As the selective pressures for a “nice rack” increased, the head of the male grew so overburdened that the males began to fall easy prey to the large predators4 that were moving into northern Europe at the time. All the less impressive males just drank themselves to death.

  THE LLAMA. The typical llama is unable to produce milk or eggs, and many people can’t even spell its name.

  THE APPENDIX. Might once have had value but is now completely useless.5 No one really knows why it remains, although some have been found to hold gold coins.

  RELIGIOUS WARFARE. Someone has descri
bed religious warfare as “killing people over who has the best invisible friend.” We tend to agree.

  DISCO. Scientists are still split on this dance craze, but the FSM doesn’t like it, so it goes on the list.

  THE MACARENA. True fact: invented by a guy named Retardo.

  JAR JAR BINKS. Hesa just stupid.

  THE DUCK -BILLED PLATYPUS.Q. What creator combines a duck with a muskrat? A. Not an intelligent one.

  1. For instance, making Evolution seem plausible.

  2. The Patel Paradox: Dr. S. Patel, Ph.D., notes that the Hubble constant reveals a universe that is expanding at a rate both measurable and significant. In spite of that fact, he still can’t find a parking space.

  3. Possibly caused by an early aboriginal dot.com boom.

  4. Saber-toothed tigers, Germans, etc.

  5. This includes its presence in book form.

  FSM vs. ID, an Unlikely Alliance

  The Controversy: Peer Review

  PEOPLE ARE PLAYING POLITICS WITH SCIENCE. Supporters of Intelligent Design, or ID, have been targeting education officials and public policy makers in a attempt to have their views taught to our nation’s students as “Science.” Because 99 percent of the scientific community supports the theory of Evolution, ostensibly rejecting ID in the process, we find ID proponents arguing that their beliefs should be taken directly to the public—thus letting disorientated high school biology students decide the issue once and for all.1